Maybe I Should Blog And Not Just Listen To My Playlist

But really, it is a rather awesome mix... So can you blame me for getting distracted? ;)

I'm not dead.

I'm not dying.

I really and truly shall get some catch-up blogs on here.

Feel free to take cool points away from me if you must since I took so dang long.

-rachie

For Wilbur

Hi Boy,
I’m sorry I wasn’t there.

I’m sorry I’m not there to take care of your girls for you right now.

I hope that you’ve found Zeke. Stick with him, he’ll take good care of you. Do me a favor and go run Wilda around a little too. Don’t let her give you a hard time about it. ;)

Wilbur, please don’t leave these girls all alone. They still need you. Promise you will look in on them?

My heart aches for you my good, sweet boy.

Mom is devastated, you need to take care of her too, she may miss you most of all.

Wilbur, I love you. And I won’t be able to say it enough times over.

Please come find me when I’m lost, or sad, or scared. I’ll be looking for you.

You’re a good boy Wilbur. One of the best. I’m not going to forget you. I’ll be waiting to see you again someday.

I know all dogs go to heaven.

I love you over and over a thousand times my precious Wilbur. Miss you ‘till we meet again.

-Your Rachel


Sir Wilbur Wubber of the Wiggles - Passed away Tuesday May 19, 10:57am

This is the same poem/song that I left with Zeke, Wubber. Now it is for you.

With You In Your Dreams

If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
It's not goodbye
Don't look back at this time as a time
Of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams
I'll be with you

But If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
Don't ask why
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

Don't cry, I'm with you
Don't cry, I'm by your side
Don't cry, I'm with you
Don't cry, I'm by your side

And though my flesh is gone,
I'll still be with you at all times
And although my body's gone,
I'll be there to comfort you at all times

But If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
Don't ask why
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams
I'll be with you
I'll be with you

I don't want you to cry and weep,
I want you to go on living your life
I'm not sleeping an endless sleep,
'Cause in your heart
You have all of our good times

And if I'm gone when you wake up
Don't ask why
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you in your dreams
I'll be with you
I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams
I'll be with you in your dreams...

Meet Max! Struggles, and Finally Reaching Out

Oh look, its been yet another month since I last blogged. Oops. Sorry kiddies. Ok, so we're back, let's get up to speed.

To follow up on my last 'news' blog:
-Trip to SLC: We went down to SLC to pick up the newest addition to the Nielsen pack- Max. My friend Tommy, who lives in LA, had an unfortunate situation, and the dog needed a home immediately. He called me, I talked to Rob... And in the end Max (and all his crap), were driven from LA to Cedar then from Cedar to SLC and we went down to pick him up. He is the most hilarious little thing ever. He's a chihuahua mixed with a corgi- the kind of dogs that the queen of England has. Meaning:

This:

Plus this:

Equals Max!

He's having to learn lots of rules. (Which I'm sure he didn't have with his last master, lol) But he has fit into the pack quite nicely. He's reached the point now where he's trying to question Lobo's authority as Alpha to get himself a better place in the pecking order, so there have been a few throw downs, lol. Which Lobo of course wins in about two seconds flat. ;) All in all Max is a great little guy who has rounded out my little pack of misfits really well. (And if you're counting, yes, this does bring me to 5 dogs... teehee)

-Medical News: Bleh. I hate when people ask me how I'm doing. Here's your answer:
I have a constellation of long-term, non-curable, medical conditions. I'm never going to be good. Mmm k? And don't tell me to just be happy and push through it, cause guess what, I don't have to. I can have my bad days and I refuse to feel guilty about it any more. So there. ;)

I've two more ketamine infusions since my last post. Neither one resulted in dramatic pain relief, I got a couple days with some relief, but thats it. And because of some other medical decisions I've made, I probably won't be able to do anymore infusions for a while.... Everything is kind of up in the air right now.

I had a lovely bout of flu for a while that was great fun.

My biggest concern right now is swelling in my feet. We're talking SERIOUS swelling. If you don't like feet, look away:

It doesn't take a Doogie Howser to figure out that this foot looks very, very wrong. My left is just as bad.
I went into see my primary care yesterday about it. Its just so painful, and it's worrisome, it could be systematic of heart stuff. This kind of swelling is a serious problem and requires aggressive action. I've always liked this doc... But when he saw one of the medications I recently went on, his true attitude about some of my conditions showed itself. Unfortunately, many doctors think that things like fibromyalgia are just crap and patients who claim to have it are just head cases, despite it being recognized in the late 80's or early 90's as a real disease, and very widespread in the population. I've had to become very sensitive to doctors and their attitudes about fibro. The ones that are idiots about it I won't go back to. My primary care turned out to be one of these idiots. And his treatment plan for my extreme swelling was TED hose and diuretics, a lame and lazy way to go about things. I was so angry and annoyed by the end of the consultation... The dude was a total ass. Honestly.

Why was I so pissed at him?
This is something I've avoided blogging about, for fear of people's reactions... But really, I just don't care anymore, and I need the support of friends that won't be judemental. It's something going on in my life thats important, and people keep asking about it anyways, so I might as well bite the bullet and spill.

Dr. Jerk Face was lecturing me because one of the medications I've gone on this month is clomid. Some of you may recognize the name, some may not. Clomid is the first line of treatment to try induce regular ovulation and treat infertility.

Honestly, is it really any surprise? Everything else is wrong with me, why would I be able to have children without a fight? I've got a long and painful history of severe endometriosis as well as retrograde menstruation. When I first got back from my "MTC Adventure" I had two abdominal surgeries within a month of each other. They found endometriosis as high as my liver (that would be very not good, lol). I had cups and cups of blood in my abdomen that they took out each time because of the retrograde. Yeah, not great news. I even had an IUD in (something that is very rare when you have not had any children) for a couple years to try and hold things off.

Last April I had my IUD taken out. I was cycling regularly anyway, so there wasn't much point to it anymore... And, we had finally decided to give the pregnancy thing a try. But still by the fall, nothing. I had another abdominal surgery done, everything checked out... So no explanations as to the lack of babies.

What you have to understand is that I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be a mother. When all my friends were dreaming of weddings and perfect dresses as little girls, I was envisioning ballet recitals, baseball games, and Primary Programs. It seems like some massively cruel cosmic joke that not only do I have to deal with one medical disaster after another over and over again, but that my own body is failing me in accomplishing the one thing I've always wanted.

I am a member of the LDS church. I believe in spiritual promptings and guidance. I cannot deny the power of the promptings I have had for the last year. They are only getting stronger and stronger, while my fight to be a mother seems to get harder and harder.

These past few months Rob and I have butted heads over the issue over and over and over. It felt like he kept going back and forth between yeah, its time, and no its not. Obviously there are a million other things to consider when the issue of children comes up. Money, jobs, my health, etc. I know that some people think I'm nuts for pursuing this because of my health issues. But I've prayed. So many, many times. I get the same answer over and over and over. "You'll be fine. I will provide a way. This is what I want you to do. You must move forward." I am not afraid. I should be terrified. Even now, just typing it I feel comforted. I know I'm doing the right thing. And after we had another very long talk, I think Rob finally understands too. He said his issues were money and jobs, which, I knew was not really the case. He thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I had to sit him down and tell him about my prayers, the answers I get, my gut feeling. We're both on the same page now and are moving forward.

And of course, there have been obstacles already. After a couple tries for one year and is unsuccessful in getting pregnant, you get slapped with the label 'infertile'. Great, something else to add to my list. *eye roll* So we started with labs. They didn't turn out well. With our combined problems, we're in a pretty bad spot. My hormone levels were tested on the day of the month when they should be the highest, to determine if I'm even producing eggs. Normal is 8 and up. I scored 4.... The OB thinks that I haven't been producing eggs at all... Hence the clomid.

The problem I had with my primary care was that he started questioning my ability to be pregnant and to then be a mother afterwards, because of the health problems! SOOO not his place. Way over the line. I have been responsible. Worked with my OB every step of the way. I've cut all my medications down to half of the dose I was taking before because they are all risky for pregnancy, but unfortunately, I can't go off of them. I understand that it is a doctors place to counsel a patient on medical issues. But this was personal. And he's not the doctor handling that aspect of my care, so in my opinion, he needed to back the hell off and keep to his own practice. I won't be going to back to him anyway.

So... For my friends and family that keep asking, "When are you guys going to have kids?"... I have been dodging your question because its been a year already with nothing... And I'm going to have so many more obstacles to overcome, even now, that its painful to talk about. If the clomid doesn't work, there are some more options. But I could never do something like invitro. With my spine fusion where it is, I could never risk high level multiples that are common with invitro. Anything more than twins would be a major problem. The doctors would want me to reduce, I'd have to tell them to go stick their thumbs up their butts, and things would just be bad all around. Not to mention that because insurance doesn't cover it, I'll never be able to afford it.

There is one life line I am hanging on to. There have been recent studies done. Good, reliable, real studies, from multiple sources, that women under 30, who have severe fibro with other contributing factors (me exactly), that for some reason, when they have their first child, during pregnancy, the fibro all but goes into remission, with some people reporting symptoms reduced by 70%. And for many it stays that way after the baby is born. Pregnancy works like this in MS and Lupus too. Fibro acts just like an auto-immune disease, although it does not have auto-immune components, and does not respond to the same medications, it does the same kind of things to a person's body. I told this to my primary care and he completely tossed it out the window, treated me like an idiot for even considering pregnancy right now.

If I wait until I'm perfectly healthy, we're completely stable money and job wise, and whatever else... I'll die childless. It's my time now... So, I'm going for it. Rob is with me, although I'm sure he still has his doubts. I do too... But fear and faith cannot share the same place, so I'm trying to be brave, and remember what I feel like I'm being told to do when I get frightened of all this.

So... pretty please don't ask me when I'm going to have kids. Cause honestly I have no idea. We're both open to adoption, and have actually done all our research in that area should this little plan fail. You're more than welcome to ask how the process is going, that I can deal with. I just don't like to feel as if I'm disappointing people. I lose it every time another friend announces they are pregnant. It's not that I'm not happy for them... Of course I am. But its a reminder that I may not get that experience, and right now... its just hard. ;)

Am I going to show up pregnant anytime soon? It's highly doubtful. My lab-work was so bad, it's going to take months of medications just to get that back to where it's supposed to be, let alone actually conceiving... And, there's still no guarantee that will ever happen. So... for now, I'm really just doing everything I can to prep, and I think that's where I'm supposed to be at this point.

Wow. Blog of longness. I guess I just needed to get all this out. Like its some skeleton in my closet. I don't see why a girl with chronic illness can't yearn to be a mother too. It's going to be harder for me... But that only means I'll be fighting for it more fiercely.

Handmade Fun

The first THREE people to respond to this post will get something made by me!
My choice.
For you.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- It'll be done this year. (might be a little while)
4- You have no clue what it's going to be.It may be a story. It may be a joke book, autographed picture of myself, or a little invention of my own! I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows?
5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange. Believe me... it may blow your mind.
The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 3 people who do the same on your blog.
The first 3 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did, win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me! Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it!
Sounds like fun, right? So, let's play!

Now Stumble, That's Not Very Nice...

Its so mean! And yet I laughed so hard! ...And I'm laughing again now... I am just a terrible, terrible human being. Oh well. ;) Thanks to Stumble, my best bud, who finds all sorts of interesting and non-interesting things to completely waste my time. :)
I hope you have Firefox. I hope you have Stumble! If you don't, get with it man! My younger brother had to quite literally force it on me. (Well, on to poor Lore... aka my laptop) He ripped it right out of my hands, installed Stumble on it, and we've been best friends since. Stumble and I, not the brother. ;)

Are you impressed that I'm making a blog post at 7am? Don't be. I'm only awake because I haven't been to bed. :) (Lack of sleep induces overuse of smileys.) We're headed down to SLC today, I was going to have to get up at an un-holy hour anyway, so, meh... What's the point? So, here I sit. I played with my new toy, Rosetta Stone for a while. I am attempting Spanish, for some dumb reason. (I tried in high school, it was a complete and utter royal failure.) But we have this cute family we know in Mexico now, and I want to be able to talk to them a little better next year when we go down. I am getting much better at recognizing words and matching them with pictures... But my pronunciation sucks. Wow, I'm back in tenth grade... I should just stick to my ASL and call it good. If the program wasn't so dang cool... It even has Latin! Will anyone be my study buddy?

In other news: On the medical front, my pain management doctor AND spine surgeon have both recommended to re-do the ketamine infusion. So it's off to the loony bin again for me. To re-cap my experience with ketamine so far:
-Attempt #1: 20 minutes in I start posturing, which is a pre-cursor to seizing. I freak everyone out, including myself, but especially the nurses (they'll live), everything is stopped and the procedure is called off.
-Attempt #1: I do pretty good for the first few hours. I know what to expect this time, I come prepared. I bring my mp3 player and start the music before the start the drugs, I mostly listen to musicals, as I have the strongest memories attached to them (Ashley, London, high school, etc) and I know they will keep me grounded. For some reason part way through the procedure I take my headphones out and turn my mp3 player off. Cue all hell breaking loose. To me, the nurse came in, turned off the drip, I got dressed, we drove home, I'm sitting on the couch, watching TV, petting Lobo... Everything around BREAKS APART LIKE GLASS. SOOOO not kidding. Needless to say, I flip a bit. Everything starts over. The stupid scenario runs over and over and over. The lay out of the room is sometimes flip-flopped, sometimes its a different nurse, once it wasn't Rob there at my bed, it was an old boyfriend from high school and wow, did that send me over the edge. It was my own personal Groundhogs Day from hell. I kept screaming, "Are you the real Rob? Are you the real Rob?" to my husband, because every time I'd reach for him, things would break apart again and the record started over. It was great fun for all. I do remember at one point I looked over my shoulder to check my own vitals... (thanks mom, for being a nurse for so long), and my blood pressure was 99/55. Not dead, but low. Anyways... finally got back under control. I had no idea who I was, where I was, why, if we'd started, what was going on, I kept asking the same questions over and over for a while, as my body adjusted. Then there was a really fun headache. BUT for the time I was "under the influence" and for a few hours after, I was in no physical pain, aside from the stupid headache, for possibly the first time, ever... literally. Kind of a big deal for me. And since my feet have felt like they are broken every step I've taken (heck, even when I don't move) since last April... I'm going for it again. My doctors think that enough of these treatments may make the foot pain go away entirely. The only other option is a surgery to severe the nerves that are mis-firing. Heck, my pain management doc wanted me to do it every day for a week.
I told my psychology professor about Attempts #1 and #2. Of course he was fascinated. I also told him under no circumstances would I ever do it again. Well, I changed my mind. A chance to knock out one of my major points of pain, I'll go for it. Anyways... So I informed him last night about the upcoming Attempt #3. He got all excited, eyes lit up, asking all these questions... So I said, "Russ... Do you want to come?" Cause here's the thing, ketamine, noooot something handed out at the local drugstore. Not something most hospitals even carry. The hospital I go to to have it done, has to special order it every time. It's used mostly in veterinary medicine... as a horse tranquilizer... but moving on. It was like I gave him the key to a candy factory and Santa's Workshop. "Really? You'd be okay with that?" "Russ... I've been poked, prodded, exposed, experimented, med-studented, cut open, lab-tested to death. I have no modesty, I have no fear. I would be completely comfortable with you there if you'd like to come." He says that observing a subject under ketamine could be a once-in-a-lifetime for a psychologist. Its not like you can ask people to come to an experiment about it. You have to find someone who is already having it done, and get in on the gig, its called a case study. It's unethical the other way around. Heck, maybe I'll flip out again and he can write a cool paper on it or something. Woo hoo. ;)

I'm gonna go get ready to leave for SLC now.

GO GET STUMBLE!
please?
Or I'll sick that Sasquatch/polar bear/wolverine thing on you....

Front Page, President Monson, A Missionary, Popcorn, and a Piano

I am dreadfully behind on my blog writing... you can flog me later. I've got all sorts of things to write about to make up for it. So, lets get going...

To start... A few weeks ago, my psychology professor asked me to lecture our class on operate conditioning (rewards and punishments) because that is the basis for how I trained Lobo, my service dog. Well the 'few minute' lecture he asked me to give quickly rolled into 45 minutes because my class members kept asking questions, wanted to see demonstrations with Lobo, my professor prompted me to say things, etc. I approached him after wards to say sorry for taking so long, he said he wished I would have gone on longer. Turns out he didn't have a lesson plan. The punk. lol During a class break, a woman in my class approached me, she said her husband was some big-wig at the local newspaper, and would I be interested in doing a story? I laughed and said hell no! My dear, sweet professor stepped behind me just then, put his hand on my shoulder, and said, "Actually, she'd love to." So I gritted my teeth and said, "Sure, I'd love to...". Ew.

So the next week Lobo and I drove over to the Post Register building and did the never ending interview. Then we went to the mall so that a photographer from the PR could follow us around and take pictures forever. The reporter that interviewed me called a few days later to let me know the story would be coming out on Saturday on the front page... I was horrified!!! The FRONT PAGE?!?! I was just praying it would be some little nothing in the corner, and no one would notice it...

Here comes Saturday morning...

AHHHH!!!!!! Its the WHOLE THING!!!!!! I nearly had a panic attack. What a disaster... At least it was about Lobo. At least it was about rescue dogs. But there were a bunch of facts that were wrong, and the way my training experience was described made me angry, but whatever... Meh.

Last week Rob, Lobo, and I had to drive down to see Dr. Bauman, the Yoda of orthopedics, and my spine surgeon. We were trying to see if the disabling pain in my feet had anything to do with my back. He did confirm that there are some problems. I don't require immediate surgical intervention, but he does want to see me next year, and who knows how long it may have fallen apart by then.

So before we even got into see the doc, someone who had been in the waiting room with us (the individual doctors office waiting rooms are off the main waiting area), came back from the restroom and said President Monson was out in the waiting room! I of course, said yeah, right... So I peeked around the corner, sure enough, its him! No one was sitting by him, talking to him, nothing! In a very Rachel move, and without thinking, I simply stood up and announced that I was going to go out and say hi to him.

So, here I am, in the Salt Lake Clinic, with my wolf in tow... I walk up to the Prophet, and say, "Hello President, I'm Rachel Nielsen, this is Lobo, its nice to meet you.". He shook my hand, invited me to sit down... We talked for TEN minutes!!! About what? lol Dogs. Not kidding. lol He was so taken with Lobo. He wanted to know all about him, where I got him, why, how, the training, etc. He told me how he had picked out President Bush's dogs, that he is an expert on Springer Spaniels. I've had Springers my whole life! So we talked about that. It was awesome. Just me and the Prez. No one interrupted. lol The nurse came out, "Monson?" "Well, that's me. It was so good to meet you sister. And you as well Lobo." He stood up and went to his appointment. (ps, he is SO TALL!!!) I called my mother to tell her the whole story. Her reaction was, "So, let me get this straight. You just walked up to the Prophet and said hi?" "Yup" "And you had ten uninterrupted minutes with him, you didn't ask the secret to life, or where Kolob is, or for a special blessing or something, you talked dogs?" "Yup, sure did Mom." "*hysterical laughing* Only my daughter..." She's probably right. teehee

We went over to Temple Square after my doctor's appointment and tracked down Sister Ashley Rader, who is my best friend. We looked everywhere, and asked everyone where she was. Of course they won't tell you... 'security reasons' (Stupid Mormons... ;) ) We were in the visitors center, coming down the ramp from the Christus, and I gasped! It was my Ashley! She heard a gasp and turned around and did the same thing. We had a little running, hugging, crying, movie moment. It was awesome. :) We got to talk for a good while. She's home in 4 months. I miss her terribly... But it was so good to get to see her. She said she knew it was me, despite not seeing me for a long while, cause I'm the only person that would bring a giant wolf into the Visitor's Center... she's right too. lol (Now, to be clear, Lobo is allowed to be there, so no crap from anyone...)
On a closing note, we've been able to get a couple of fun things in the last little while because we've run into some fantastic deals. First up is something I've been dying to have ever since I saw one at my sister-in-law's house...

We got a popcorn maker!!! We got an air-popper for a wedding present... but we eat a lot of popcorn, and we love having people over, its so cute, and guess what... We got a great deal on it, so woo hoo! So, come over and play, we've got all sorts of stuff to entertain!

I took piano lessons from when I was... Oh... 7-ish to 15-ish. I swore that as soon as I learned "Jessica's Theme" from "The Man From Snowy River" that I was done. So the day that my teacher said that I had indeed passed it off... I never went back. In the last year, year and half... I've had this growing urge to start playing again. But without my own piano, thats obviously kind of hard. I've got family with pianos... but thats not ideal, and I'm always worried about interfering in their lives by coming over to play thier piano. Anyways... So in the last 6 months, the feeling has gotten to the point of desperate... I had talked to my parents/grandparents about maybe making it a joint birthday present in April... but again, we found a great deal!!! A place on-line where I like to get all my camera stuff had a fantastic price on an electric piano I wanted, the YPG 635. And a music store in town agreed to price match! Yay!!! So here she is:

GORGEOUS isn't she? lol I certainly think so. teehee I basically have to start all over again learning. But I love it already. I'm so excited to have a piano of my own finally. And its going to last forever. I'm SOOOOO excited! If you're in the area, and you're like me a few days ago, and didn't have a piano to play, you're welcome to gimme a call and come play my new baby!!!

So... There's the blog, you're all caught up!

xoxoxo
~r

MARK Give Away

Mark is a new boutique-like store. I was surprised at the variety of things they have to offer, and how reasonable the prices were. There is also a give-away going on through this website if you'd like to join in too! I am most excited about the 'beauty tools'... as my old Mary Kay brushes are wearing thin (they'll last forever the rep promised... sure sure) and need to be replaced. Mark looks like a great place to go for beauty needs, I'll for sure be trying it! :)

Pay It Forward

It's the month of love! Play along and pass it on! :) xoxox

The Rules...

1. Be one of the first THREE of my friends or family to leave a comment on this post, which then entitles you to a handmade item from me.

2. Winners, you must post this challenge on your blog, meaning that you will Pay It Forward, creating a handmade gift for the first THREE bloggers who leave a comment on YOUR post about this game!


3. The gift that you send to your Three Friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. This means you should be willing to maintain your blog at least until you receive your gift and have shipped your gifts. And, remember: It’s the Spirit and the Thought That Counts!


4. When you receive your gift, please feel free to blog about it, sharing appropriate Linky Love!


If you are not one of the Top Three Commenters on this post, you can still play along and start your own Pay It Forward chain, and encourage your blogging friends to do the same! Thanks to Kirsten for this cute idea!

No Pants Subway Ride

So my report is a little late... however, I have come across a site that is now a personal favorite. This website made my whole day. I hope you enjoy.

On Saturday, January 10th, 2009 nearly 2,500 people took off their pants on subways in 22 cities around the world. In New York’s 8th Annual No Pants! Subway Ride we had over 1,200 participants, spread out over four subway lines. The video is priceless.

Bumbleride Indie Twin Stroller Giveaway

To all you moms out there! I've heard about these strollers and about how completely awesome they are. I even saw one on Price is Right! lol Anywho... This website is holding a contest and giving away the above stroller! I thought the coolest thing about them was that the two seat were independent from each other, so that each child could be adjusted to his/her needs and be made to be comfortable! But there were also some other very useful accesories, check out Bumbleride's website to see them all. Maybe I could put Chubby and Maggie in it? ;) I have so many friends expecting, just had kids, or have kids and are expecting more... I bet you'd all love it!